Crossdresser
by Mird
Summary: DISCONTINUED
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Ed looked at the folder in his hand with a look of disgust on his face. "...No," he said. "I'm NOT going on this mission. That's final."

"You don't really have a choice, Fullmetal. You have to obey any and all orders from your superior officer. Meaning, you HAVE to go on this mission," Mustang replied with a smirk plastered on his face.

Ed glared at him. "But seriously...Inspecting the library of a boarding school? Why do I have to pose as a student for that?"

"We inspected it the usual way some time ago, and came up with no results. We suspect that they aren't telling us something," Mustang stated simply, examining his nails.

"Yeah, but couldn't you have picked someone else?" Ed complained.

"You're the only person who's the right height to pass off as a student."

"WHAT?!"

"By the way, have you read the whole report? You might find one part slightly appealing."

Ed glared at him, then scanned through the thick folder of information with narrowed eyes that widened once he got to the third page.

"The philosophers stone?" he said, his interest immediately sparked by the phrase. "Why didn't you say so? I'll go." He smiled widely, which only caused Roy's smirk to grow.

"Good. So, now that you've agreed, I can tell you the catch."

Ed's smile wavered. "Catch?" he asked uncertainly.

"Pinefax Academy is exclusively a girl's school," said Roy, unable to hide his amusement as Ed's eyes got even bigger.

"G-girl's school...?" Ed said in a controlled, yet icy, voice. "So, you're saying...That you're sending me...A boy...To a boarding school for...Girls?"

Roy had to stop himself from bursting out in laughter at Ed's reaction. "Yes, that's what I'm saying, Fullmetal. It wouldn't be very hard for you to pass off as a girl, if you wore your hair down, anyways. Although, you are a bit flat-chested..."

"THAT'S A GOOD THING, BASTARD!" Ed shouted. "WHY ME?!"

Roy rolled his eyes. "I already told you, you're the only one who's the right height. Honestly, don't you ever listen? Anyways, I've got your uniform right here. You'll need to try it on."

"HELL NO!"

* * *

One Half Hour of Yelling Later

* * *

Ed stared in disgust at himself in the bathroom mirror. _That bastard..._

He was wearing a low-necked light blue sweater with a yellow and red badge on it over a white shirt and a tie.

As for the lower half, he was wearing a skirt. A red and yellow plaid skirt.

You know the world is coming to an end when you see Edward Elric wearing a skirt.

He wore new brown shoes that would be close to useless for running; they hurt like hell, too. At least he could be sure no one would see his automail. His pristine white socks went up to his knees, covering all of his steel leg.

The thing that angered Ed the most of all was what was under the clothes.

Yes, that's right. He was wearing a bra.

Attached to that bra had been a note from Colonel Bastard himself telling him to 'stuff the bra' which Ed would rather not do. He'd rather not go on this mission at all, to tell the truth. But, they were 'orders from his superior officer' so he had to.

He had also had to do the bra-stuffing thing.

Still grumbling, Ed made his way back to Mustang's office, getting a few looks from people in the halls along the way.

Roy looked up as Ed stepped back inside, wearing the uniform. He raised an eyebrow. "You look very...Convincing." He said, the smirk reappearing on his face. Ed's only reply was to give him the finger, which, luckily for Ed, went ignored.

"Just one more thing..." Roy said, standing up. He walked over to Ed and put a finger under his chin so that they were looking straight into each others eyes. Ed looked like he wanted to strangle someone.

Roy reached behind Ed's head and pulled out the hair band that held his braid in place. Ed flinched as his hair fell to a more relaxed position flowing down his back. Roy's smirk turned to a surprised grin as he saw just how long the kid's hair really was.

"Oh, you'll DEFINITELY pass as a girl..." he muttered devilishly. Ed continued giving him the silent treatment. "The only thing you need now is a girl name. What are you thinking?"

Ed sighed. "I don't know. Can I leave?" Roy shook his head. Ed sighed again. "Um...Can my name still start with the letter E?"

Roy looked at him weirdly. "Why?"

"I like that letter..." Ed muttered. Roy held back a laugh.

"Let's see..." He tapped his chin. "Edith?"

"Hell no," Ed said stiffly.

"Elicia?"

"That's Hughes's daughter's name! He'll never leave me alone if we choose that!"

"True, true...Havoc, could you come here for a minute?" Roy waved the smoker over from the other side of the room.

"Yes, sir?" he asked, clearly confused. He looked at Ed curiously. "Is this your newest girlfriend?" Ed tensed. "Hmm, she's cute, but a bit short compared to you."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE HAS TO-"

"EDWARD?!" Havoc exclaimed, his eyes bugging out of his skull. "Why are you wearing a skirt?!"

Ed gave him a death glare. He opened his mouth to say something before Roy cut him off.

"It's for his latest mission. That's the reason I called you over here. I'll explain it all in detail later."

"Uh...Okay..." said Havoc, clearly finding it hard to ignore the sight of Edward wearing a bra. "What do you need?"

"Well, you've been dumped by a lot of woman." Ed couldn't help but smile at the look that came over Havoc's face as Roy spoke. "Surely they all had names, right?" Havoc nodded, speechless. "Can you think of any names that would suit girl-Ed?"

Ed stared evenly at the taller blond man as he examined him.

"Hmm...Any specifications?"

"It should start with E," said Mustang mockingly. "Because Ed likes that letter." Ed sighed in exasperation.

"Eden? No, never mind. I dated an Eden once. She was a jerk."

"That goes great with Fullmetal, then. Hello Eden!" Mustang greeted cheerily.

"Go to hell," Ed said without even looking away from Havoc. "Any other names?"

"Edna?" Havoc suggested. Ed gave him a look. "Okay, not Edna. Eva? Elizabeth? Never mind, neither of those suit you at all...Um...Edolie?"

Ed blinked. "That one's...Okay, I guess. It has Ed in it..." (1)

"Edolie it is, then," said Roy. "Although I can't exactly say I agree with your taste. Well, that's beside the point. Leave. I'm sick of looking at you."

Ed rolled his eyes. "You don't have to tell me twice...Bye."

He closed the door with a click- or, more accurately, an angry slam- and began the long walk back to his and Al's room in the living quarters, which were on the other end of the building.

He had completely forgotten about what he was wearing, so it came as a complete surprise to him when his brother didn't recognize him.

"Hey Al! What's the big deal?! It's me! What's with the 'hello, um, who are you?' shit?!"

"Who ARE you?!" Al asked again, still confused. Ed let out a scream of annoyance.

"ED! I'M ED AND I'M TIRED SO LET ME IN!" He pushed his way through the door, grumbling.

"...Ed, why are you wearing that?" Al asked, not bothering to hide the amusement in his voice. Ed snorted.

"Read this." He tossed the file to his brother and began changing back into his usual apparel.

"'...Pinefax Academy's extensive library was inspected months ago, but the inspectors had various reasons to believe that the headmaster was hiding something, reasons being bla bla bla...Pinefax Academy is located in the countryside four miles away from Central City and is one of the highest-rated boarding schools in Amestris...'" Al flipped the page. "'Edward Elric's mission is to investigate the school while playing the part of a student.' So?"

"You missed a few details." Said Ed as he slipped his usual black shirt on for the second time; the first time he had had to take it off again because he had forgotten to remove the bra first. "For one thing, the school's library is supposed to contain information on the philosopher's stone. For another thing, Pinefax Academy is an all girl's school." He ended bitterly. "Meaning, I have to be a girl. Or at least look like one."

Al was silent for a moment before he burst out laughing. Ed glared at him.

"It wouldn't kill you to be a little more sympathetic..." He muttered.

"S-sorry but...Ah...HAHAHAHAHA!!" Al ignored his brother and continued laughing, the sound echoing inside his empty armor.

"It's not funny!" Ed shouted indignantly.

"Yes, it is!"

Ed crossed his arms and pouted. "It's not MY fault I have to go on this stupid mission. It was that bastard Colonel Mustang who assigned it to me..." he grumbled.

"Yeah, yeah," said Al, still chuckling. "Your train leaves tomorrow. Get some sleep."

Ed was happy to oblige.

* * *

**(1) Good ol' Ed and his bad taste!**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Ed stood at the train station the next day, watching with detached interest as families said tearful goodbyes to their daughters before sending them off to meet their friends from other years at Pinefax Academy.

Two girls squealed loudly in reunion to Ed's left, causing him to jump.

"Oh my god, I had SUCH a great summer!" One of them said excitedly, then began talking at an unimaginable pace. Their voices sounded similar to nails on a chalkboard to Ed, who wandered away without being noticed.

"Ed!" a young-sounding voice called. Ed tensed and looked around for his brother, who had apparently forgotten that he was supposed to be a girl for the time being.

Luckily, no one had noticed Al's outburst, and Ed had come over to him to silence him before he made another mistake.

"Goodbye, Al," Ed said with a forced smile. Although he would never admit it, he was nervous about going to boarding school. Not only because of the fact that he wasn't a girl, but also because it would be his first time away from his brother for longer than a few days in years.

A loud voice crackled out of the speaker, announcing the departure of the train. "Goodbye!" Al called as Ed walked off. Ed turned around to face his armor-bound brother one last time. He waved half-heartedly before turning back to the huge red train in front of him with dozens of eager girls crowding around him, hoping for good seats.

He flattened himself against a seat and waited for them to pass, hoping not to be noticed. The sound of their voices pounded against his ears. He closed his eyes and willed them to hurry up and leave him alone.

Eventually, the noise died down a bit and he sat up straight to find another girl sitting across from him, staring distractedly out the window.

He blinked. "Um...Hi," he said, greeting her awkwardly.

She looked up at him and returned the greeting, waving awkwardly. "Hey. I'm Rebecca. And you are...?"

He blinked again. "Edolie." She smirked.

"What kind of name is that?"

"MY kind of name," Ed said, offended.

"Okay, okay," Rebecca said, rolling her eyes. "Are you new? I've never seen you before." Ed nodded. "Cool. Maybe you'll be sharing a room with me...I've had my own room for the past two years. Though I must say, I'm not really looking forward to having a roommate." She glanced at him again.

Ed didn't say anything; he was busy examining her. He couldn't tell much about her from her appearance, but she wanted to remember what she looked like so that he would recognize at least one person at the school.

She was average height, or maybe a little below. She had red hair and freckles, as well as the familiar glint of metal coming from the inside of her mouth, of all places.

"What's in your mouth?" Ed asked. She made a face.

"Braces; they suck."

He nodded vaguely, turning towards the window. The familiar sight of scenery rushing by was slightly comforting, although he still felt a little uneasy knowing that Al wasn't with him.

Rebecca, seeing that he (or 'she', as she thought of him) wasn't going to talk anymore, turned to the window as well.

After about an hour of the train ride, rain began to tap out a pattern on the windows. Ed's hand wandered subconsciously to his right shoulder, which went unnoticed by Rebecca who had already fallen asleep.

Not long after, his eyelids began to droop as well, and before he knew it Rebecca was shaking him awake.

"Hey what's-your-name! We're here!"

* * *

Pinefax Academy was amazing; even Ed admitted it. It was made up of dozens of old, stone buildings built in the middle of a huge grassy field that extended for miles in every direction. The faint outline of mountains could be seen against the foggy gray sky.

Across the road and to the south a few miles was Bycaster School for boys. The two schools frequently took trips together into the closest town, the tiny marketplace about three miles to the west.

The interiors of both schools were similarly built; long, thin hallways lined with doors into various classrooms, bedrooms, offices and storage closets, among other things.

All in all, it was a relaxing location to arrive in after the train ride. Ed didn't know whether to be pleased or annoyed when he learned that he would be sharing a room with Rebecca. Although she didn't leave any sort of lasting impression of her personality for him on the ride in, the way she glared in the direction of certain students was unsettling, to say the least.

"They're jerks," she had told him when he asked about the other girls that she was glaring at. "They're teacher's pets, for one thing. They think they're so great, but they don't have any friends outside their little group."

The more observed on the way to his and Rebecca's room, the more he disagreed with her. The five or so girls that she had been glaring at didn't seem any different from the other students to him. Everyone he passed in the hall was giggling or talking to each other, not just the select few that Rebecca hated so much. Of course, as far as he knew, all girls did that.

The room that he was sharing with Rebecca was cozy, but not too small. There was an old fireplace in the corner near the single window, which was covered by a light green curtain that fluttered in the breeze. Two beds occupied there own separate corners of the room, each with a stool-like table next to them. In the middle of the room was a dark red couch and a clear coffee table.

There were two doors in the room, besides the one that they had entered through. One led to a small kitchen that could only be sparsely stocked due to its size. The other led into a bathroom, much like the ones at some of the nicer hotels that Ed had stayed at over the course of his travels.

Ed dropped his battered suitcase on the floor next to his bed. He and Al had spent time taking out all his usual clothes, as well as anything that might hint that he was not who he said he was.

"Well, I don't know about you, but I'M going to sleep," said Rebecca, jumping into bed without changing. "Classes start tomorrow. Summer was great while it lasted, don't you think?"

Ed nodded, not even taking in her words. He kicked off his shoes and climbed into his own bed.

He fell asleep within a second.


	3. Chapter 3

**I'd like to completely rewrite this chapter, but there's no time. *sigh* This was mainly for the purpose of showing readers that Rebecca is extremely annoying and overly critical. Well, in my opinion, at least. Dialodue is really annoying...**

Chapter 3

At breakfast the next morning, (which was eaten in a giant room with multiple windows) Rebecca quickly explained the goods and bads of each passing student, talking a mile a minute.

"That's Annabelle," she said, pointing at a tall, thin girl a few tables away. "She's really nice, but she's anorexic."

"What's that?" Ed asked dumbly. Rebecca gave him a look.

"She's OBSESSED with her weight. Always thinks she's too fat."

"What? But she's so skinny..." Ed trailed off, confused. Rebecca snorted.

"Try telling HER that. Pass the juice, please." Ed handed her the pitcher of golden liquid, which she poured into her cup before continuing to talk. "She barely eats; it's like a diet, times a thousand. She probably weighs, like, two pounds." She took a sip of her juice.

"I'll never understand girls..." Ed muttered under his breath.

"What did you say?" Rebecca asked.

"Nothing, nothing," Ed sighed, then changed the subject. "Who's that person coming toward us?"

Rebecca looked up, then spit her juice out all over the table. "NO!" she yelled. "Crap, I hate her! That's Harriet, and she's horrible...She thinks she's SOO popular and everyone loves her, even though everyone hates her and- Hey, Harriet!" Rebecca smiled warmly as Harriet got within hearing distance.

"Hey, Rebecca!" Harriet said. Harriet slid into the seat next to them.

Harriet and Rebecca began talking and Ed soon lost interest. His gaze wandered to the pool of sunlight on the floor that was spilling in through the window nearest to him. He was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't notice the girl coming towards him. She ran into him, causing him to fall off his chair.

She glanced down. "Oops, sorry," she apologized quickly before continuing to walk and talk with her friends.

Ed stood up, rubbing his head. "Who was that?" he asked.

Rebecca jumped at the opportunity to stop talking to Harriet. "That was Beth. She always speaks her mind, which makes her kind of funny. Although some of the things she says just make her sound like a jerk. She's bossy too."

Ed sighed. "I remember when everyone I met was either simply good or simply bad."

"_No one_ is just good or just bad," Rebecca said. "Which is the deepest thing I've ever said, by the way." She turned back to her breakfast and spooned some scrambled eggs onto her plate.

* * *

The day passed slowly; Ed hadn't been to school in four years, and in that time had forgotten just how BORING it was.

He could tell it would only get worse as the year went on, too. The first day was always just getting everyone back into the routine, explaining the basics of formal education over and over again at every class the students attended.

"All assignments must be turned in on time."

"No talking in class unless you are called on."

"Treat everyone and everything around you with respect."

"Try your hardest on all assignments."

The same suggestions, warnings and reminders rained down upon them for seven hours straight, before they were finally aloud to go back to their dorms for an hour before dinner.

"No homework!" cheered Rebecca.

"But that's just because it's the first day..." Ed groaned, not excited at the prospect of homework, on top of his required weekly reports to Mustang.

"Psh. You and your logic," Rebecca scowled. She opened her mouth to say something, but Ed interrupted.

"Hey, where's the library?" he asked, remembering his mission.

"Down the hall and to the left," she said as she headed towards the bathroom. "I'll see you later, I guess..."

Ed waved, but he was already too far down the hallway for her to see. He sprinted toward the library, although his shoes and skirt weren't making it easy. He growled angrily as he remembered the fact that he was wearing a skirt. _I just can't get used to this... _The only good thing about the uniform was that it covered his automail, as well as his normal limbs. Most girls didn't have as much muscle as him.

He skidded to a stop in front of the huge double doors that led into the library. He pushed them open with a light shove, stirring up a small bit of a dust that had collected on the floor over the summer.

The library was a huge room with the same architectural design as the rest of the buildings. The shelves were made of dark, almost black, wood and were covered with hundreds upon thousands of books. He stared in awe at the collection, wondering how long it would take for him to look through it all. Although he didn't like being here, away from his brother, the library intrigued him. With all those books, there had to be at least _some_ information on the stone.

In a trance, he walked along the shelves, fingering the book spines with outstretched fingers, giving the dusty old pages the utmost respect. He was so preoccupied with the endless stream of titles that he didn't notice where he was going, and soon enough ran into something that obviously was not supposed to be there.

Ed looked curiously at the objects on the table; multiple thick books that looked nearly identical to the ones he had seen over the years on his search for the philosophers stone; papers scattered all across the table, each one covered with handwriting even messier than the last. He reached out to pick up a paper and examine it more closely, when he felt a firm hand on his shoulder.

"That..." the man's voice began coldly. "...Would be mine, and I would appreciate it if you didn't touch it."

Ed shivered as the grip on his shoulder tightened. He let go of the paper and let it flutter back into position on the table, holding his hands up as if to plead innocence.

"May I suggest going back to your room, little girl?"

_'LITTLE?' _Ed objected in his mind, but he knew better than to say anything out loud. He nodded simply and turned around to walk out, seeing a small glimpse of the man as he did so.

He was tall, with thinning hair on top of his head. He wore simple white clothes and thick glasses. Nothing about him was that exceptional, except for his face.

The right side of his face looked as if someone had taken a bread knife and sliced the skin right off. It was red and raw, similar to the scarring around Ed's right shoulder. He shivered again, instinctively determined to get far away from the man as fast as he could.

He half walked, half ran back to his room and sat down on his bed with not a single book to show for his (extremely short) visit to the library.

That wasn't to say he didn't learn anything from his trip, though. At least now he had a plan.

_Maybe this mission will be over sooner than I thought..._


	4. Chapter 4

**There's tons of field trips at my school. the strange thing is, they're never in actual fields. Nature Centers are the closest things to fields that I ever go to on field trips.**

Chapter 4

After only a few days, Ed fell into the routine of daily life at school- Get up, go to class, eat dinner, do homework, go to bed, repeat. On only the fourth day, however, there was a break in the schedule. A field trip.

"Where are we going?" he asked as everyone in the school was loaded onto the bus.

"Silverton Nature Center," replied the girl next to him. "The boys from Bycaster are coming too." She feigned lovesickness, accompanied by dramatic sound effects and swooning.

The bus ride to the Nature Center was pure chaos. Ed found himself feeling lucky that he was only a 'student' and not a teacher.

The sun shone in the windows at such an angle that no matter where Ed moved, it was always in his eyes. Two other girls were sitting in the seat with him, forcing him against the window, seeing as the seat were only made for two people each. He, as well as the other occupants of the bus, were sent flying up every time they hit a bump in the road. All in all, he was very happy to finally get off and step outside where the air was fresher and most of the din was from the birds.

"Alright everyone, follow me!" one of the teachers called, trying to sound enthusiastic. The girls trekked along behind him, chattering and ignoring the guides completely. Ed was silent, enjoying his surroundings. He never got time to relax, and although he didn't like sitting around doing nothing, it was nice not to be in constant danger while on a mission.

Not paying attention, however, can have it's downsides.

Ed stumbled over his own feet and crashed to the ground; only he didn't fall completely. He felt a strong hand around his own, supporting him so that he remained separated from the dirt floor of the forest, if only by a few inches.

"Are you okay?" asked the boy, peering down at Ed with a concerned look on his face.

"I'm fine," he replied haughtily, embarrassed at being helped up. "Thanks," he added as on afterthought. He looked around, making sure he hadn't caused a distraction.

No one had even noticed him fall. _Good._

"I'm Joe," the boy said, causing Ed to jump.

"Oh. Um, hi, Joe," Ed replied awkwardly, before realizing he should introduce himself as well. "I'm Ed-Edolie," he corrected himself just in time. "Thanks," he added, trying to cover up his almost-mistake.

Joe nodded briskly before walking off to join his friends. Dismissing it as another random meeting with no one of any importance to him, Ed kept on walking.

**Joe's POV**

She's beautiful. Just fucking AMAZING. I suppose this sounds cliché, all the "love at first sight" shit, like in those stupid romance novels that the girls at Pinefax read. And yet...I think I understand now.

Edolie. What a weird name. I guess it's not her fault if her parents have bad taste, but still. Oh well. If it's her name, I guess I'll just have to get used to it.

"Joe? Are you okay?" Dennis waved a hand in front of my face. "You seem kind of distracted."

"Huh? Oh yeah," I muttered vaguely, staring at her instead of looking at my friend. He followed my gaze, lifting an eyebrow.

"So, you've got a crush?" he asked. I nodded distractedly. He shook his head. "You sure have weird taste."

"Say what you want. I think she's beautiful."

Dennis snorted. "Whatever..."

* * *

He slipped into the kitchen, unnoticed over the sound of gossip and sink water running down the drains. "Hello, Heather," he greeted gruffly, giving a slight wave. Heather looked up and, acknowledging his presence, gave a slight nod. None of the kitchen helpers flinched any more at the sight of his face; they were all used to it.

"What are you making?" he asked, getting so close to the pan that Andy had to shrug him away.

"Just hand it over, Dr. Giles sir," she said in an annoyed voice. He smirked and gave her a small bottle of bright red liquid.

"Be sure to put it in EVERYONE'S meal; the experiment won't work unless all the students receive the same amount."

"If I got a dollar (1) for every time I heard you say that, I'd have earned double my salary by now," one of the cooks cut in. "We know what to do; stop acting like we're idiots."

Dr. Giles didn't answer. He gave them all a piercing look before turning around and, with great flourish, walking swiftly out the doors.

* * *

(1) I know that Amestris uses different currency, but I don't know how much a dollar is worth compared to Amestrian money. So, we're using dollars. Any complaints? No? Good.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

If Mustang expected him to act as he normally did when handing in his report after this mission finally ended, he was wrong. Edward would never again be his usual screaming, ranting self. His voice would no longer the windows shake as if they were about to break and those around him shiver.

No, after this traumatizing experience, his voice would make the windows BREAK and those around him go into HIDING. And the Colonel...The Colonel could live a happy life of ignorance, not knowing the fate that Ed was planning for him as he stood in the locker room of Pinefax academy, changing as fast as humanly possible so as to not tip off the girls of who he truly was.

Gym; the devil's class. Gym CLOTHES; even worse.

Long sweatpants and long-sleeved shirt were the only things he could wear without revealing a) his automail, b) his gender, or even c) both. The gym, unlike the rest of the building, was burning hot, humid with the stickiness that creates nothing but sweat.

He groaned as he heard two dozen girls racing up the steps towards him. He quickly looked in the only mirror available in the tiny room and, deciding that he was convincing enough not to get caught, walked out the door, only to get shoved back inside by the avalanche of students running in the opposite direction. And so, he was pushed against his will back into the room and shoved against the wall, surrounded by chattering, undressing girls.

Ed found himself staring.

He mentally slapped himself. _NO! Dammit, I've been talking to Mustang too much! His personality is rubbing off on me! Look away! LOOK AWAY! (1)_

Of course, looking away was hard.

* * *

The droning tone of the teacher's voice didn't even register in his mind; he was seriously considering resigning from the military if it meant that he could get away from this stupid mission.

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts, which were heading towards the planning of yet more justified torture for that bastard Colonel. Although the interruption bothered him at first, his eyes widened with interest as he saw who stepped into the room.

It was the man from the library with a scar on his face.

"I'm here for Edolie Cirle," he said in a sickly sweet, if slightly nervous, voice. "I need to have a word with her, if you don't mind."

The teacher (Ed had yet to memorize his name) nodded and gave Ed a glance, knowing that he, as well as the rest of the class, was listening in.

Ed stood up, his chair scraping against the floor with a loud screech that made him wish, vaguely, that this stupid school would just get some damn carpeting already.

He straightened out his skirt with sullen resentment, wishing that he was wearing simply pants, as was suitable for a guy. His mind wandered back to Roy's awaiting fate as he stepped out the door and into the somewhat less stuffy hallway.

"It has come to my attention," said the man, causing Ed to snap out of his half-trance, "that you are the young girl I met in the library the other day. Is that correct?"

Ed nodded, mentally correcting the man's usage of the word 'girl'. "Yes, sir," he said, his three years of military experience causing him to say the word simply from subconscious association; the air of threatening superiority that surrounded this man was not unlike that which was present when he met those of higher rank.

"Now you need to tell me truthfully," said the man with a nervous glance around the empty hall. "How much of those notes on the table did you see?"

Ed raised an eyebrow and it was all he could do to keep from smirking. The man was giving away an obvious secret; he may as well have been telling Ed to his face that there was a secret in those notes; he had hinted the importance of a few particular documents. _Good luck for me, I suppose, _Ed thought. _This will make the mission go much, MUCH faster..._

"No, sir, I didn't see anything. Just some papers covered in writing. But I couldn't read it- no offense sir, but that handwriting could use some improvement."

The man looked relieved. "Yes, ah, yes, I suppose you're right," he said, trying and failing not to his delight at the fact that Ed had seen nothing. He failed miserably. "Anyways, thank you for your help, now you'd better be getting back..."

With that, he turned around and walked in the opposite direction, leaving Ed with some time to himself before heading back to class.

* * *

**(1) So dramatic.**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

He never remembered having this many field trips at school when he was younger. Then again, Resembool (1) was such a small town that there was really nowhere to go that anyone hadn't been to before.

It was only a few days after the Nature Reserve that they were all packed into that tiny, crowded bus again, making their way to some sort of pond. They were going there to observe pond life for science class, as they were working on something to do with animals...ecosystems? He wasn't really listening. Getting good grades wasn't his concern.

This time, he was squished against the window in the seat in the back that was only made for one passenger, to leave room for the emergency exit door. Rebecca was sitting next to him, completely blocking previously mentioned door.

She groaned as they went over another bump in the road that made everyone jump about three feet in the air involuntarily. "Damn, why do we have to go on THIS road? This suuuuuucks..." she complained. Ed nodded, staring impatiently out the window.

"Any idea when we're going to be there?" he asked.

She shook her head, but everything and everyone else on the bus was shaking too, so it was hard to notice. "No," she said. "I've been here before, but I've never really paid attention to the time. Sorry."

Ed sighed._ This mission really and truly is hell._

* * *

It turned out that whatever it is they were doing at the pond didn't take very long after all. They were all done within ten minutes or less, and everyone had recorded notes on their observations, which they would use for something or another when they got back to school.

Unfortunately, or maybe it WAS fortunate, depending on how you looked at it, the bus driver was some sort of weirdo who walked out in the middle of their job to get some lunch at a place in town, half an hour away, taking the bus with them. Meaning everyone had to stay there until the driver got back and the teachers finished lecturing him. Or was it her? It. With some people, it's hard to tell.

Most of the students enjoyed this idea, seeing as it meant they got to miss classes, which meant they had time to talk to each other. Even Ed, who didn't care about missing class, since he never paid attention anyways, was pleased with the extra time to relax. The sun was warm and there plenty of places to sit, including a large playground that was swarmed by teenage girls within seconds of being spotted.

It was obviously for younger kids; they monkey bars were low to the ground, so low in fact, that even ED, shortie that he was, could reach them with both feet flat on the ground.

There were brightly colored slides and uncountable things for climbing on. Basically, everyone found a place and sat down with their friends to gossip.

Seeing as Ed only had person so far who could be even remotely close to a 'friend', he sat with her. They sat on top of the monkey bars with the poles on either side that held them up between their legs, like they were riding on horses. Very tall horses made of metal. If you asked him, it wasn't a very comfortable position, but he decided not to mention it.

Rebecca glanced in the direction of a group of girls sitting on the edge of the slide, loudly talking and laughing. She gave them a quick glare that none of them saw.

"Uh...Who are they?" Ed asked, not having missed the gesture.

She snorted. "My other 'friends'. But I'm in a fight with most of them right now, so it doesn't matter. Although, fights usually get made up really quick, you know what I mean?"

Ed nodded in a way that suggested that he really did know what she meant. He didn't.

"Anyways, we'll all probably be friends again by next weekend. Oh by the way, we were going to go shopping next weekend. There's a pretty big town a little down the road that way. It's got a mall and everything. But it's kind of far away, so we only go, like, once a month. We'll get arranged soon, someone's mom usually drives down here, brings us there, hangs out while we shop, then brings us back. It's, like, a tradition. But it takes a lot of convincing because it's such a long drive. If you wanna come, you can, seeing as you need some more friends. Oh, oops, that was rude. Eh, sorry." She didn't sorry. Not that Ed cared- he had learned that very few apologies were sincere and he could deal with that.

"So, you coming, then?"

"Sure."

_Oh. Shit. Did I just say that? Did I really just agree to go shopping with a bunch of girls next weekend?!_

"Great! I'll tell you the details when we figure it out. Oh, guess what?! You know Carly..."

Ed's brain blocked out the rest of Rebecca's quickly spoken gossip. _Fuck. FUCKFUCKFUCK NO I SAID YES. SHIT. ARGH, THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!_

His angry thoughts were cut short as perfection personified walked by.

His mouth dropped open. She was beautiful. Amazing. Alluring. Appealing. Elegant. Gorgeous. Stunning. Radiant. Check your thesaurus, all these words should be there.

"Ah, there she is, the girl I was just telling you about while you WEREN'T LISTENING," Rebecca said menacingly. "Everyone at Bycaster is completely obsessed with her."

"Mm hmm..." Ed said, staring. "I can see why."

She had sparkling, light blue orbs (because she's too cool for eyes) and when she flipped her luxurious, dark brown hair over her shoulder, Ed could hardly keep from swooning. _Ohh..._ he thought. _How can anyone be so amazing. And why, oh why, must we be kept apart? Oh, how can I possibly confess my love to her while looking like this? What would she think of me, that stunning goddess of-_

* * *

I'm sorry we're having some technical difficulties. It seems that the settings have been accidentally set to 'crack' when they're supposed to be on 'humor'. Please relax. The problem will be fixed shortly.

Thanks you.

* * *

"So that's Carly?" Ed asked casually, trying to remain professional.

Rebecca nodded. "Yeah, and there isn't a single guy for miles who can keep his eyes off her. A pile of packaged goodness preserved from the inside out, with the devil's soul and a pretty face and a nice body. Naturally, everyone loves her. We try to protect all the unsuspecting young men before they have their souls stolen, but alas, they do not listen." She put on a fake English accent.

"Well, for a pile of packaged goodness preserved from the inside out, she's actually kind of pretty," he said, the understatement spoken only to keep suspicion away from himself. Either they'd realize he wasn't a girl, or they'd think he was lesbian. Either one sounded pretty horrible.

Rebecca rolled her eyes. "Your opinion will change with time."

* * *

**EdxOC? Hell no. Mary Sue parody? Maybe.**

**Sorry about the thesaurus thing, by the way. But I have this lurking suspicion that writers of Mary Sue OCs have some sort of addiction to the thesaurus...Like saying that someone is 'radiant' instead of 'beautiful' justifies making Ed fall head over heels for them.**

**(1) I swear, there's not a single person in the world who knows how to spell this. I was reading one of the books, professionally translated, and Resembool was mentioned twice on the same page…They were each spelled differently. I blame the slacker editors who can't make up their mind about anything. Seriously, is it 'Lior' or 'Reole'? 'Dublith' or 'Dubliss'? 'Resembool'? 'Resemboul'? 'Raisinburg'???**


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

"Here you are, sir," Riza said, handing Roy a pile of letters. "There's one from someone named 'Edolie Cirle' (1). Who's that?"

"That's Ed with his bad taste in names," Roy replied nonchalantly, looking up from the paperwork that he was pretending to read. "We sent him to an all girls school to do some undercover work regarding the library. I wish you had been there when he got all dressed up; a good laugh every now and then wouldn't kill you."

Riza ignored him, going straight to asking questions. "Sir, are you an idiot?"

"...What?"

She sighed. "You sent a fifteen year old boy...To an all girls school. Correct?"

Roy nodded. "Yeah. So, what's the problem?"

She sighed again, rubbing her temples in an aggravated way. "Never mind," she said. "I got the answer to my question- you are, for sure, an idiot."

"Aw, come on, don't be like that!" he said with a smirk as he ripped open the letter. His face fell. "That little shit! It's all in code!"

"Well, you wouldn't want anyone else seeing it and figuring it out, would you?" Havoc said, the voice of reason for the time being. "You're smart, right? Just decode it. Shouldn't be too hard, hmm?"

Roy groaned. "As if paperwork isn't enough..."

* * *

Letters- after translation

* * *

_Dear Alphonse,_

_Kindly punch Colonel Bastard in the face. In return, I'll let you have a cat. Hell, I'll let you have a MILLION cats!_

_This is all his fault. I am stuck at a school for girls, wearing a skirt, sharing a room with someone of the female variety instead of you, and wearing a skirt. Did I mention that I'm wearing skirt?_

_Alphonse, next weekend I am going shopping._

_Why does my life suck so much?_

_Can you please, please, PLEASE bribe the military to put someone else in my place? I'm going to DIE._

_I'm wearing a skirt._

_A SKIRT._

_And a BRA._

_And the girls here are hot, which is making me very upset. I think I'm turning into the Colonel._

_You're a knight in shining armor, sort of. In a way. Come save me. NOW._

_Sincerely,_

_Edward Elric_

_PS- I'm wearing a skirt. Has the pity kicked in yet? Will you come save me?_

* * *

_Colonel Bastard,_

_I have made no progress. There's your report. Can I come back now? Because I have some complaints-_

* * *

The rest of the letter was forgotten as the doors burst open with a loud bang. All heads turned immediately from the stained, slightly ripped piece of paper in the Colonel's hands and toward the grinning face of Maes Hughes.

"I got pictures of Ed before he left- they've finally been developed!"

The letter was trampled by the rush of people itching to see something far more interesting; Edward Elric as a girl.

Who doesn't love a good laugh?

* * *

**(1) Cirle is Elric backwards, in case you didn't figure it out on your own.**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

"...Edward!"

Ed stopped. His shoulders stiffened at the sound of his name- the name that no one here was supposed to know.

He turned around quickly, but not too quickly, to see a group of girls huddled together and making squealing noises that he had only ever heard from Winry when she got a new wrench.

"Oh my god, he's so HOT! What book are you on?!"

Ed took a few nervous steps closer. _What the hell are they talking about...?_

(Readers: Three guesses what they're talking about. And the first two don't count.)

"Oh! Edolie!"

He flinched. The girls smiled widely and, before he knew what was happening, he had been dragged into their little group.

He looked around at them and realized that, no matter how hard he tried, he COULDN'T remember their names.

"Edolie, have you read Twilight?" one of them asked enthusiastically.

"Uh..." he said, sounding oh-so-very-smart, "No."

Their eyes widened in shock. "YOU HAVEN'T?!" From the tone of their voices, someone listening in would suspect that they were discussing the apocalypse and molten lava raining from the heavens. Not some sort of popular fantasy-tacky-romance-horror-vampire novel. "Ohmygodyouhavetoreaditit'slikethebestbookeverandEdward'ssohotohmygod!Ilovehimsomuchhe'ssoamazingandawesomeandhotandandandand-!"

Ed instinctively backed away from the three (possibly rabid) girls that were ranting at the same time.

"Uh...I have to...Go..." he muttered, slinking away as carefully as possible. The three girls turned their heads toward him in a split second, their eyes glowing red (or so it seemed to him).

"READ THIS!" they screeched, chucking a thick paperback at him. He caught it and walked away, feeling oh-so-very-confused.

* * *

Ed read the back cover of the book.

...

_I'm not a vampire..._

Suddenly, Rebecca walked in! (Haha, I bet you all forgot about her!) "Ohh, Twilight! That's such a good book! Edward's so hot!"

Ed said nothing.

* * *

_Dear Alphonse,_

_I am wearing a skirt._

_How many times do I have to say that before you come to rescue me?_

_I am wearing a skirt._

_I am wearing a skirt._

_I am wearing a skirt._

_I am wearing a skirt._

_And now, I have to read this stupid book called Twilight about a sparkly pink vampire named Edward...Or something. Otherwise, his fangirls are going to hit me with a book again.(1) I know it._

_And I am wearing a skirt._

_Sincerely,_

_Edward Elric or Edolie Cirle, depending on who YOU are_

_PS- I am wearing a skirt._

* * *

**(1) That happened to me once. One hit me with a book, the other stabbed me with a pen…*dies***

**Ed really doesn't like his skirt! Maybe it's ugly? I know MINE is...(The horrors of private school- We have to wear uniforms. But I've gotten away with wearing a black shirt instead of navy...)**

**Anyways…This chapter NEEDED to be written. Writing a story about a school filled with teenage girls without mentioning Twilight is like being best friends with someone and not knowing their name.**


	9. Chapter 9

**I'm sorry that it's been so long since I updated. I had writer's block for a while, but, all in all, I think this chapter came out well, even if it's a bit…Short.**

Chapter 9

The monotonous ticking of the clock, mixed with the monotonous tone of the teacher's voice was enough to put anyone to sleep, including Edward Elric. _Especially_ Edward Elric.

He was not the type who liked to sit still. He got restless easily, which made this mission a thousand times harder.

Really, he just wanted to get it over with once and for all. So, without thinking, he raised his hand.

"Edolie," the teacher (1) nodded in his direction.

"Can I go to the bathroom?" he asked, the words coming out of his mouth before he could stop them. He mentally slapped himself. Of all the excuses to leave the room, this was, by far, the most obvious.

The teacher sighed. "Edolie, you go to the bathroom every day at the exact same time. But yes, you may go."

Saying that it was an obvious excuse wasn't necessarily the same as saying that he'd never used it before. His mental cheek was getting red from all the mental slapping. Of course, it was such a boring class that he couldn't help the fact that he felt the need to leave the second he arrived.

He turned a corner, then another, then doubled back and kept going. The school wasn't nearly as big as Central HQ, but at least that was a building that he was familiar with. One would think that after taking the same route every day, he wouldn't have trouble remembering it. One would also think that a young man such as Edward Elric would keep his legs as far away from skirts as possible, and his chest far from bras. One would think a lot of things.

Ed was breathless by the time he reached the library, and by that point, his mental watch (which was strapped to his mental slapping hand) was screaming at him that the next class was beginning in ten minutes. Being late would earn him yet another lecture and probably a lower grade. Although grades were not his concern, the lectures made him want to slap someone, and not just mentally either. Mustang had made it clear that it was a very strict rule: No physical/verbal violence towards the teachers and/or students.

Bullshit.

All the same, he thought it would be best to listen to the man. After all, a possible lead on the stone was NOT going to be risked just so he could take out his anger on someone.

Besides, Mustang was his usual punching bag. He could slap him a couple of times when he got back to Central. The bastard deserved it.

He stepped into the library and sneezed. Only about a fourth of the library was ever used- the section that contained novels and textbooks. The other three fourths had remained untouched for at least a few months. Obviously, that changed today. The usual coating of dust was gone from the bookshelves in the North-East corner, and the books on the shelf nearest to the librarian's office had been moved around and put back into place quickly.

He snorted at the amateur display of checking for information. He quickly scanned the room, searching for more tell-tale signs of disturbance.

Scattered across the table, just like the first time he had set foot in the room, was pages and pages of notes, blanketing thick books and unsharpened pencils.

He rolled his eyes. The man had come across as someone who didn't know what they were doing, and his suspicion was confirmed instantly at the sight of the table.

He picked up one of the flimsy sheets of paper- obviously from a standard notebook that could have been bought anywhere- and scanned through it, his eyebrows rising.

_What an idiot! He didn't even write in code!_ He deftly pulled out his notebook and pen, beginning to copy down the information in his own travelogue-style verse, all the while keeping his ears alert for signs of an approaching idiot.

He managed to copy down at least half of the notes- there were, admittedly, fewer papers than he had first assumed, but it still took a while- before his mental alarm siren starting blaring the paranoia signal, and he quickly exited the room and rushed to his next class, earning himself yet another lecture for being late.

* * *

**(1) None of the teachers deserve names. Sorry.**


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

He simply couldn't understand the school's strange obsession with clocks. They seemed to think that the students needed to know what time it was at every minute of every day. At the moment, the clock next to his bed (and, for that matter, every other clock in the building, seeing as they were synchronized) struck ten thirty. He sighed.

_I was hoping it would be more of a challenge...At least that would make this mission less boring,_ he grumbled inwardly. He had finished his homework (he honestly didn't give a shit if the teachers complained that he had been rushing) and had read through all the notes three times, making sure that there were absolutely no secrets hidden cleverly in the context.

To his dismay, the papers had been just as simple and straightforward as he had first suspected. The main topic was the philosopher's stone, and while the prospect of finding more information had originally made his heart leap with excited expectation, he now realized that it wasn't what he had hoped.

It was simply repeats of information that he had already read of and proved false. Theories that the stone could be naturally manufactured by some rare animals. Old urban legends that involved the elusive object and were thought to be real. Rumors that certain historical events had resulted from the use of the stone. He had looked into all of these stories years ago and discovered them to be false in a matter of days. Obviously, this man believed them to be true, proving him to be a much less efficient researcher than Ed.

He sighed and snapped his notebook closed, concealing his own, better-coded version of the notes with only a worn-down cover and a dozen other pages of his personal research.

"Whatcha got there?" Rebecca asked. Ed grimaced without turning around. She was incessantly annoying- so much so that he almost would've preferred to share a room with the Colonel. Almost. She wasn't _quite_ that annoying- although she got close.

"Nothing," he muttered, deftly opening his suitcase and stuffing the notebook inside. He twitched slightly. Even just being in her presence annoyed him, especially after the disappointment about the notes.

"It's your diary, isn't it?" she said, her voice accompanied with the loud crunching of a potato chip. (1)

He ignored the question. "You're getting crumbs all over the floor," he stated emotionlessly.

She snorted. "Neat freak. It's just crumbs. What's the worst that could happen? An evil crumb monster could appear and kill us both in our sleep?"

"I dunno...Mice could come. Or something." He shrugged and began to clear the remaining textbooks and papers from the small desk in the corner that the two of them shared, somewhat unwillingly.

"So now you're saying that you're afraid of mice?"

"No!"

She grinned. "I bet that's what you were writing about. 'Dear diary: I'm afraid of mice. I wish I could be awesome and fearless like Rebecca. She is my idol. I look up to her. I wish I could be as cool as her.'"

It was at times like this that he wished he was allowed to use his fists as weapons instead of just words- and at the moment, words could only be used as defense. "I'm _not_ afraid of mice, and that is _not_ my diary," he growled simply, keeping his voice as level and calm as possible.

"Aww, it's okay, Edolie," she crooned. "Just admit it. I won't judge you."

It took every ounce of self control in him just to stop him from lashing out. She continued talking even as he jumped into bed and mentally prepared himself for another day at school- hopefully, the next one would be one of his last.

* * *

Colonel Bastard,

I found out what's going on. You've sent me on a pointless mission. Some guy is researching the philosopher's stone, but his information is extremely outdated. He hasn't discovered anything except for stupid urban legends that are completely impossible- I'd know. I researched the same things a few years back, and there's not a shred of truth about them.

In fact, all their information on alchemy is outdated. I mentioned the extremely amazing child prodigy called the Fullmetal Alchemist, and no one even knew what I was talking about! Idiots.

I'll prepare the report on the train ride home.

Sincerely,

Edward Elric

PS- I'll be borrowing your gloves to burn this damn skirt later, just so you know.

* * *

Fullmetal-

You are not permitted to come back to Central until you know the intentions of the man researching the stone.

-Colonel Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist

PS- Alphonse says you're going shopping on Saturday. Have fun.

* * *

**(1) "I'll take this potato chip…AND EAT IT!"**


	11. Chapter 11

**I'm sorry. I modern-ified it. And I can't use 'anything goes- it's fanfiction' as an excuse, as that would be highly hypocritical of me.**

**...But I have no other explanation. *sigh* I guess I'll just have to be a hypocrite. I honestly have no idea how girls talked in the 1900s, seeing as any 'history' that doesn't date back at least two hundred years bores me.**

**Also, if I ever mention money, I'm using American currency, unless someone understands Amestrian cens to me, seeing as the only thing I know about them is '200,000 cens is a lot for a hotel room.'**

**I actually expected this chapter to be longer and/or funnier, and involve a little more shopping…But what happens happens, and if this chapter decided to be short and boring, then so be it.**

**Enjoy.**

Chapter 11

Writing letters was Ed's only form of communication with humans of the male variety- and, in addition, the only that kept him sane. He made time each day to pound out his frustrations with ink and paper, regardless of whether or not it would be placed in an envelope and sent.

He had started composing letters in his head even when there was no paper around. It helped him keep his promise with steadfast determination. The thought of taking out his anger in the form of a letter to Mustang countered the thought of taking out his anger in the form of a punch in the face to one of the many bitchy girls that surrounded him. On That Day, he knew he would need this form of relief even more than before.

He was clad in his usual weekend clothes, being a pair of jeans with a rip in the right knee (he had no one to thank but luck that it was only the right knee and not the left) and a simple long-sleeved black shirt, plus the usual pair of pristine white gloves and the torture device nicknamed 'bra'.

Luckily, the beginnings of winter were being blown their way, so his warm attire went unquestioned by the six girls that surrounded him.

"It's your first time shopping here, isn't it, Edolie?" The words detached themselves from the rest of the loud babble and, miraculously, made it to his ears.

He shook his head. "Never been here before." _Never been shopping before,_ he added inwardly.

"It's really pretty in the sun...Too bad it's so cloudy out," Rebecca said wistfully, peering into the sky thoughtfully. "I hope it doesn't rain."

"We're gonna be inside, Rebecca. It doesn't matter if it rains."

"Can you move over a bit?" Ed asked irritably, ignoring the useless conversation and elbowing the girl closest to him. He mentally recited the rough draft of his next letter to Roy (1) and a list of possible plans to escape from the bitches that surrounded him.

"I can't help it! It's a thin sidewalk!" said Tall Girl.

Ed saw no reason to take the effort to memorize any of their names, so in is head, he simply referred to them as their physical description.

"Oh! That's my favorite store!" said Huge Boobs, pointing enthusiastically at a shop with the most colorful window display that Ed had ever seen, a complete contrast to the gloomy gray sky that loomed up above.

"Isn't that a secondhand shop?" Blonde Bitch said passively, blowing a bubble with her gum.

"It is," said Freakishly Skinny. "But the stuff there is cute, and I don't wanna get too far away from the park. Walking in the rain sucks."

The others uttered a simple 'Mm hmm' in agreement and joined in Ed's silence.

"Edolie, you've barely said a single thing!" Rebecca said with a joking glare.

"What do you want me to say?" Ed asked sullenly.

"Anything! Contribute to the conversation a bit, please," said Blonde Bitch.

"All right," he muttered. "I feel gay."

"But you're a girl, Edolie!" giggled The Giggly One.

"Yeah. Thanks for reminding me," he said, crossing his arms over his chest. Crossing his arms was a far different experience than it used to be, considering the bra.

He glanced quickly and inconspicuously at the storelined-street, looking for any possible escape route. His eyes quickly locked on a tiny coffee shop and widened in surprise. It was all he could do to keep from smiling like an idiot.

"I'm kinda thirsty," he said nonchalantly. "Would you care if I went and got some coffee? I'll come back here in a bit."

"You're no fun, Edolie," Tall Girl complained.

"Yeah! This is supposed to be a shopping trip between friends!" Blonde Bitch added.

"I barely know any of you," Ed pointed out.

"The point of this is to get to know you better," said Huge Boobs.

"Does it really matter?" Ed asked with a sigh. He was itching to get away from the annoying group of girls.

"No. It doesn't. Just let her go," said Freakishly Tall. Ed smiled with gratitude (and a small amount of jealousy, mainly because of her height) before turning around in one quick, smooth motion and walking in the other direction. When he looked back a few moments later, he saw that they had already entered the shop. A small, indignant part of him was slightly hurt that they didn't seem to be at all upset that he hadn't come with. The other, more logical part of him honestly didn't give a shit and was simply happy that he didn't have to come with them.

He jogged the rest of the short distance to the coffee shop, his face plastered with a huge grin. "AL!" he shouted as soon as he got within hearing distance. "You're here!"

Al jolted in his seat with surprise, bumping his metal knee on the edge of the table in the process. "Edolie! I never expected to see you here!" Ed nodded respectively in approval, passing it off as a simple gesture of acknowledgement. Anyone of lesser intelligence would most likely forget to call him Edolie in such a situation. Apparently Al had gotten a hang of his brother's 'new name'.

Ed plopped himself down into the chair closest to his brother and propped his feet up on the tabletop, grinning like an idiot the entire time. He tipped the chair backwards, allowing it to scrape loudly across the cement in the process. His arms dangled down, allowing his fingers to graze the ground beneath him.

"You complain a lot about the skirt thing, but you're wearing pants," Al observed.

"It's the weekend...I'm allowed to wear whatever I want, as long as this bra is under it," Ed said matter-of-factly, poking his chest with his flesh hand.

Al's eyes swept across his brother's body and he seemed to smirk, despite the fact that it was impossible. "You make a cute girl," he concluded. (2)

There was another loud scrape as Ed fell off his chair and tumbled to the ground. A low moan came from where he was lying, causing Al to just barely stifle his laughter.

"I was kidding! Calm down!" He helped Ed up and waved reassuringly at anyone and everyone who gave them odd looks.

"Don't say stuff like that..." Ed muttered, brushing himself off. "I mean it."

"You overreacted," Al stated simply. "It's not my fault.

Ed mumbled something incoherent and bitter under his breath before sitting down in the chair again, arms crossed, all feet firmly on the ground.

"How's the mission going?" Al asked nonchalantly.

Ed gave him a sharp glare. "I've already told you everything in the letters. Weren't you paying attention?"

"Oh. I forgot. It's going wonderfully and you love it there, right?" Al asked innocently.

"...Stop it," Ed said.

"Stop what?"

"Stop acting like Colonel Bastard. It's almost like he...Possessed you or something."

"Oh no, have they been telling you scary stories? Are you getting scared like a little girl, _Edolie_?" Al asked in his best talking-to-babies voice.

"Now you're acting like Rebecca," Ed said bitterly, thoughts of mice and diaries running through his mind. "Can you stop imitating people and just be Al again?"

"By the way," Al said, completely ignoring the question. "The Colonel's coming. He's going to teach at the school."

Ed was instantly grateful that he wasn't drinking any coffee yet, because he would surely have spit it out. "_What_?" he asked, his eyes wide with shock and his nose wrinkled in disgust. "Don't you need a...A teaching license or something?"

"'All necessary identification has been taken care of,'" Al quoted. "Basically, they faked it. His name is now Mr. Jones-"

Ed snorted. "Great name."

"It's better than yours," Al pointed out. Ed stopped talking. "Anyways, they faked it all. He's here to keep an eye on you, and help if you need it."

This comment was enough to start a small, but quickly growing, spark of anger. "_Help_? I don't need any _help_! And how come he's able to come here as a teacher a month after sending ME here dressed as a student and saying I'm the only one capable of the job?! I assume _he_ doesn't have to wear a skirt!"

"Keep your voice down," Al said. "No one's supposed to be hearing this but you. If it weren't for the fact that the Fuhrer himself approved of the plan, all this would be illegal."

"It _should_ be illegal!" Ed said angrily. "How can the justify this?!" He gestured at his chest. "And the skirt! The damn skirt! And anyways, how do I even look like a girl, besides the fact that I have long hair? Look at my face! I don't have a girly face! Do I?"

"...Do I have to answer that?" Al asked uncomfortably.

Ed growled menacingly. "Great. Just great. This day keeps getting better and better and- Oh. Hi. Rebecca." His voice grew stiff as his gaze fell across the six girls walking towards him, all of them swinging bags filled to the brim with clothing and giggling amongst themselves. Rebecca led the group- she had undoubtedly been given the job of confronting him because she 'knew Edolie the best'- Although, truthfully, she didn't know him at all.

"Edolie, you've been avoiding us! That was probably the only store we had time to go in, too! Cathy's mom said that if it started to rain, she's gonna come get us."

"So we're leaving right now, then?" Ed asked, gesturing at the quickly descending drops of water.

Tall Girl sighed. "Edolie's right. I think we have to leave soon."

"Hey, who's that?" The Giggly One asked with a giggle, pointing at Al.

"He's my boyfriend," Ed said simply, giving Al a sidelong glance. Al tried hard to pretend that this story wasn't new to him, although he didn't do a very good job.

"Ooohh..." Freakishly Tall said, pretending she understood. Her eyes swept across the giant suit of armor that was Alphonse's body. "Isn't he kinda..." she searched for the right word. "...Tall for you?"

Ed tensed visibly. "No," he said through clenched teeth. "He is the _perfect_ height."

"I didn't know you had a boyfriend, Edolie," Blonde Bitch said, continuing to chew her gum loudly. "Where'd you meet?"

"A place. At a time. Look, is this really important right now?" Ed asked stiffly.

"Not really," said Huge Boobs. "Let's go. It was nice to meet you, uh..."

"Al," Al said, nodding his head slightly. "Nice to meet you, too."

"Come on, come on, we gotta go!" Blonde Bitch said. "It's starting to rain harder!"

The girls giggled and shrieked, attempting to shield their heads as they ran to the shelter of the awning across the street. Ed quickly made to join them, but turned back to Al at the last moment.

"When am I gonna see you again?"

"Not for a while," Al answered.

Ed sighed. "Figures," he muttered. He waved goodbye before running off to join the others, waiting for a ride back to hell.

* * *

**Extra!**

**Al: Why did you say **_**boyfriend**_**?! You could've just said brother!**

**Ed: *mumbling* It...Didn't occur to me... *shrinks back, embarrassed***

**I feel like Al is OOC in this chapter...He has good reason to be, though. He doesn't make fun of Ed that often- But Ed dressed as a girl? It'd be weird to NOT make fun of him.**

**Complete compilation of those on the shopping trip: Rebecca, Ed, Tall Girl, Freakishly Skinny, Blonde Bitch, Huge Boobs and The Giggly One.**

**(1) Most of which would undoubtedly be censored by Mr. Mc4kids.**

**(2) Fuck off, Elricest fans. (Please take no offense from the previous comment. I've gotten too many reviews saying 'dude, yaoi ish da best, y u makin fun of it?!!1?' Oops. I'm sorry. I'm giving too much credit. The grammar wasn't nearly that good.) (But, seriously, don't flame me for that one little comment. Flames should be from Roy, not you, dammit!)**

**By the way, I'm going to a remote location in Massachusetts for six days. So although I will be writing, I won't be posting anything or replying to any reviews/PMs. So expect that, okay?**

**Also, to all who didn't notice: how 2 rite gud fanfikshun was deleted by FFnet. Just so ya know…**


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